Caffeine Vitamins: This Heart Attack Will Be FANTASTIC.

Let me start off my telling you a little fact about myself: I am not low energy!

Frank and I recently went shopping to get a few basic toiletries for our trip to SE Asia. I am typically of the mind that everything I need, I can get at my destination. Frank, on the other hand, has some terrible fear that anything that isn’t stamped and approved by the FDA is injected during production with rat feces and should not be consumed. I don’t really think that’s true, but either way, I decided to humor him. We stopped by the vitamin aisle (vitamins, interestingly enough are never evaluated by the FDA) so he could restock and I started taking a look at women’s vitamins.

The vitamins I found were Women’s Energy Vitamins, the back of the lable looks like this:

Did you notice 120 mg of caffeine? Yes? Yes! You read that correctly. One small (and by small, I actually mean massive and it’s kind of intimidating) vitamin has more caffeine than a cup of coffee.

Some of you may not know me very well, so here is another fact about me: When I tell you that I don’t drink a lot of caffeine, I mean it. I don’t drink coffee unless it’s 75% chocolate, I don’t drink energy drinks, I drink soda maybe once a month (usually mixed with some kind of alcohol) and I definitely never randomly ingest caffeine pills to stay awake. So, all of that said, maybe 15 minutes after taking this vitamin for the first time this morning, I realized why I never drink anything with caffeine in it:

I ALREADY HAVE MORE ENERGY THAN IS PROBABLY HEALTHY FOR AN ADULT FEMALE. CAFFIENE DOES NOT DO ME OR ANYONE I KNOW ANY FAVORS, ESPECIALLY IN MY OFFICE WHERE EVERYONE ALREADY THINKS I AM B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I am typing at ridiculous speeds, I am talking extremely fast, my heart is beating like I just ran a goddamn marathon, and every business email I’ve sent this morning has been punctuated with no less than 4 exclamation marks.

“Hey, Ariana. Did you finish that document yet?”
“Yes! I! Did!”

It’s going to be a long day! OH. And I think that if I take these little heart-attack inducing vitamins with me to SE Asia Frank is going to push me on to an abandoned Cambodian landmine.